Promise you’re not selling. Grab the bags. Outrun the holders. Let Bravis explain the receipts.
Promise Plaza · a fictional sell-and-deny arcade comedy
“I’m not selling.” (He is carrying six bags.)
You are Captain PP. Every morning you promise the crowd you will never sell. Every afternoon you sneak bags of coins to the Swap Shack. The holders have questions.
Grab bags. Reach the Swap Shack. Dodge the crowd.
1Grab bagsStack them high for a bigger multiplier. They slow you down. They also wobble.
2Dump at the ShackHit the glowing door to “rebalance”. Quick trips build a combo.
3Deny everythingGet caught holding bags and you lose credibility. Shout Space to stun the crowd.
WASD/↑↓←→ move · Space deny · Shift dash · B Bravis · P pause Touch: drag anywhere on the plaza to steer.
End of day · press conference
Time to explain yourself.
Paused
In a meeting.
The meeting is with the pause button. Nobody can ask you anything in here.
Credibility: 0
The vibes have developed questions.
Friday close · arcade case closed
You survived the week of not selling.
GRADE: PENDING
Captain PP · fictional arcade satire
↻ Turn your phone sideways for a bigger plaza.
PP NEWS
LOCAL CREATOR “NOT SELLING,” CONFIRMS CREATOR ✦ SWAP SHACK REPORTS RECORD “NOT SALES” ✦ ACCOUNTANT BRAVIS: “COLUMN F IS PRIVATE” ✦ HOLDERS FORM SUPPORT GROUP, MEET HOURLY ✦ CHART DESCRIBED AS “VERY AERODYNAMIC”
How to not sell (professionally)
Bags are loud. Holders ignore you when your hands are empty. Pick up one bag and every head turns.
Stack for glory. Each extra bag multiplies the payout, and it also makes you slower and the crowd hungrier.
Combo: dump again within 12 seconds to raise the multiplier (up to ×5).
Deny! stuns everyone nearby. Dash makes you briefly untouchable, and dashing through a holder is a “juke”.
Disguises (the floating moustache) fool everyone except the Sleuth.
Each day has a twist. Watch the notice above the buttons for a warning and a way to respond.
Bravis charges as you dump. Call him and the whole crowd stops to watch a spreadsheet presentation.
Survive five days. The Swap Shack relocates daily, because obviously.
The cast (all fictional)
🦸Captain PP has a cape, a mask, and an unshakable public position on selling.
💎Holders carry signs, shout questions, and chase anyone carrying bags.
🔍The Sleuth is slow, sees through disguises, and alerts the whole plaza.
📱Reply Guy is fast and erratic. He is also very easy to stun.
🧮Bravis, CPA*: *Confidently Providing Alibis. He is a fictional accountant. His reassurances are jokes.
Reality check
This is a fictional parody. It does not assert that a real person controlled any specific wallet, used disguises, lied publicly, or received seller proceeds. Arcade PP and SOL are imaginary scoring units.
The joke depicts deliberate control because a playable character needs agency. The underlying investigation does not establish that same agency in the real world. Signed paths show transfers; seller CSVs show swaps; models estimate fungible-token ancestry.